Tuesday, October 5, 2010

mutual assured destruction




Apathy. Anarchy. Nihilism.
These concepts and ideas (or rather lack thereof) have always fascinated me. They seduce with their promise of freedom from bondage both emotional and political. The abandonment of the pillars of society which constrain human nature and forces us to adhere to the path of responsibility, civility, and moral decency.

For some reason I'd always thought I would live a nonsensical kind of life- consciously refusing to adhere to the status quo of what was anticipated of me as a productive member of society. High School, College, Job, Settling down. I'd always held some romantized idea that I would liberate myself from these rigidity of these expectations and lead a life primed on adventure and adrenaline. Now looking at my life, I see I've adhered to the very path that as a teenager I'd grown to despise. Do I regret the steps I've taken to where I am at? No, not at all. I'm incredibly grateful and happy to be where I am at at this very moment. It just tickles me to see the disparity in how I pictured my future to what it actually became.

I realize that despite my brother's obstinacy and difficulties with my parents-he is the true rebel of the family. Whereas I enjoy the game and have a thorough understanding of the rules, he refuses to even participate. I admire him for it. I wish I could be that brave.

Ambition is both a catalyst and a hindrance-repelling and fascintating. When it boils down to it, as appealing and emancipating as apathy and an anarchic nature may be, our human desires for connection and fulfillment overpower our longing for the liberation from those very desires. Buddha preached that clinging to our earthly desires stymies us from spirtiual fulfillment- keeps us in a state of suffering. Somewhat naively, I believe that the paradoxical feelings of pain and pleasure make me feel more alive, better helps me make the distinction.

It's raining outside.

I think that I'm going to take a walk outside in the rain to my boyfriend's house. I'm not going to take an umbrella. I'm going to play my favorite new song on repeat, walk outside, smell the sweet damp fragrance of the first rain of the season, let my hair get wet and feel the drops against my skin.

No comments:

Post a Comment