I just thought I would be in a different place.

Everything else is great. And not in the way where I overly post on my various social media accounts to assure the world that I'm sure cares that everything in wonderful, really, honestly, in that desperate, pained way that just reeks of the opposite. I actually do mean it.

But it's human nature, isn't it, to focus on what isn't. Someone in college once told me about how life is like a stovetop with four burners- one representing family, one friends, one love, and one career. Three can only be burning at the same time. See if you can guess which one I'm fixated on.

It's hard because this burner dominates my thoughts, my energies, my survival as an adult person. For a majority of my time, I feel invisible, inconsequential, unrecognized. The skills that I think I have, the skills that people I love assure me that I have, maybe they are just apart of this elaborate delusion.

Yet I perserve. This delusion, this idea of what I want to do, as ridiculous as it is, is all I have to hang onto. There isn't really a plan B. There's shades of a plan C, D, or E but those plans are shades of pleasures that I indulge myself in, not actual pursuits. There's nothing but this. I can't let my upbringing, my fear, my insecurity swallow me whole.