on my tombstone they will carve "it never got fast enough for me"

"Like most others, I was a seeker, a mover, a malcontent, and at times a stupid hell-raiser. I was never idle long enough to do much thinking, but I shared a vagrant optimism that some of us were making real progress, that we had taken an honest road, and that the best of us would inevitably make it over the top. At the same time, I shared a dark suspicion that the life we were leading was a lost cause, that we were all actors, kidding ourselves along on a senseless odyssey. It was the tension between these two poles - a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other - that kept me going."

-Hunter S. Thompson

the absence of awe

"It's just really frustrating, you know, not being able to discuss art with anyone. No one I know really understands the upcoming artistic movements and what's happening in the world. I have this idea running through my head for my thesis and I have no one to bounce it off of."

"Give me a shot. I know jack shit about art but I might be able to offer some outside perspective."

"Okay, so lately there's been this steering of artists to make their pieces transitory and temporary. Like they will have something set up in a gallery and unless you can go in and see it during its tenure, they then take it away."

"I think I read something the other day about that, this Brazilian artist has been using trash from the landfills in Brazil in his pieces."

"Yeah, yeah exactly. I just find it interesting that art today is transitioning from being a method of preservation to a transitory expression".

"Well let's think a lot about why art was created in the first place- not only that people wanted to preserve historical events or have portraits of themselves to last throughout history but also that most of the very beginning artwork was religious. For centuries, people would depict Bible scenes and weave tapestries not only to depict the majesty of a monotheistic omniscient, omnipotent God but the art itself was meant to last, just as Christian God is supposed to-forever.
"Nowadays although the evangelist fundamentalist movement has taken over certain geographical areas, there has been sort of a falling out with religion and Christianity in particular that has happened. People are now 'spiritual but not religious'. Our gods, the being that we worship now are celebrities which in and of themselves are disposable. Fifteen minutes of fame and all that. Maybe our growing realizations that our souls aren't eternal, that we worship human beings who are capable of flaws and falling off the face of the earth, has affected artist's work."

"Yeah...something like that."

-Laura Delahaye and Halie Taylor. Sunday, October 24th at 6:44 PM.

pixellatedimagesofwhowewanttobe

My name is Laura Christine Delahaye.

I was born on February 1, 1987. My hometown is Orinda, California.

My political views are moderate (or rather truthfully becoming rapidly apathetic).

I've omitted my religious views.

My interests include: Singing, Grafitti, Reading, Jazz, Green Tea, Anthropology, Cosmopolitans etc.

My favorite music: The White Wires, Best Coast, matt & kim, The Red Devils etc.

My AIM screenname is pixiepicara.

My websites include Jon's memorial website and this very blog that no one reads.

Reader, truly gauging from this information, what do you know about me? What archetypes, what images, what judgments have you assesed from my tastes, interests, personal views? This is what repells me yet fascinates me about Facebook. Our complexity as humans are reduced to a carefully selected and thought out pieces of information that transmit to our web "audience" the kind of person we want them to see. Let's be honest with ourselves: real life is entirely overrated or at least has become stiflingly stilted. We live our lives through the internet. Pictures or it didn't happen. We need evidence of our existence, evidence of our friendships and the good times. Memory and nostalgia alone doesn't cut it.

The most telling and most paramount choice is the profile picture.
After all, the profile picture is simply the image that we want others to see; the context and angle of the photo indicates our aesthetic, the mold that we most would like to be pegged as.
Party boy, indie girl, the artistic type, frat guy, girly girl.
Whether we like it or not, we naturally peg each other into these molds. Paradoxically, despite these stereotypes we attempt to fill, we still are hounddogs for authenticity. A profile picture that smells of being too posed, interests that seem too attentively chosen, a status that seems too painstankingly worded, it strikes me as hilarious that we deride each other for these telling signs when we are guilty parties ourselves.
And yet I can seem to stop myself from logging in...

sucker love/a box I choose

I never really write about it.
Mostly because I think it's trite.
Mostly because I hate how girls tend to parade around their relationships as if it's a prize to be won- "look at my boyfriend, look at my boyfriend".
As most people, in public, I am a hardened player of the games, independent and thoroughly educated in the blase, unaffected dating rituals of my generation.
In private, I revert to the most cliche of stereotypes for my gender. I am affectionate. I cook for him. I am girlish...vulnerable.

He's always brought out the best in me...challenged me intellectually. I've always thought that the most important aspect to a friendship/relationship is having someone who can teach you something. Every day I learn from him. Every day he helps me grow.

mutual assured destruction

Apathy. Anarchy. Nihilism.
These concepts and ideas (or rather lack thereof) have always fascinated me. They seduce with their promise of freedom from bondage both emotional and political. The abandonment of the pillars of society which constrain human nature and forces us to adhere to the path of responsibility, civility, and moral decency.

For some reason I'd always thought I would live a nonsensical kind of life- consciously refusing to adhere to the status quo of what was anticipated of me as a productive member of society. High School, College, Job, Settling down. I'd always held some romantized idea that I would liberate myself from these rigidity of these expectations and lead a life primed on adventure and adrenaline. Now looking at my life, I see I've adhered to the very path that as a teenager I'd grown to despise. Do I regret the steps I've taken to where I am at? No, not at all. I'm incredibly grateful and happy to be where I am at at this very moment. It just tickles me to see the disparity in how I pictured my future to what it actually became.

I realize that despite my brother's obstinacy and difficulties with my parents-he is the true rebel of the family. Whereas I enjoy the game and have a thorough understanding of the rules, he refuses to even participate. I admire him for it. I wish I could be that brave.

Ambition is both a catalyst and a hindrance-repelling and fascintating. When it boils down to it, as appealing and emancipating as apathy and an anarchic nature may be, our human desires for connection and fulfillment overpower our longing for the liberation from those very desires. Buddha preached that clinging to our earthly desires stymies us from spirtiual fulfillment- keeps us in a state of suffering. Somewhat naively, I believe that the paradoxical feelings of pain and pleasure make me feel more alive, better helps me make the distinction.

It's raining outside.

I think that I'm going to take a walk outside in the rain to my boyfriend's house. I'm not going to take an umbrella. I'm going to play my favorite new song on repeat, walk outside, smell the sweet damp fragrance of the first rain of the season, let my hair get wet and feel the drops against my skin.