"Laura - I want to see you again. No games. Let me know if I'm wasting my time."

act now, think later

action, then regret-such a common constant thread throughout my life.
in truth i am too raw, too impulsive, too primitive to be tamed right now.
for so long, i felt trapped, over protected, constantly watched
have i now equated this with what love is?
i am such a mess of contradictions. i implore you to come closer, care, hold me, then sprint away at the slightest hint of reciprocation.

"laura, you constantly shoot yourself in the foot".

my id has consumed me. i don't understand it- my impulsivity has no root.
there is no vacuous dense void within me. for the most part, i feel filled, complete. perhaps i am an emotional masochist. my gratitude for my comparably easy lot in life comes with an angsty flowering face-my guilt? but enough rationalizing.

i care too much and show it too little. i'm not ready for what you offer although i wish i could be. i'm too young enough to value what you are and immature enough to constantly long for what i can't have.

All I know is what I don't want

Sometimes Dylan puts it best.


I ain't lookin' to compete with you,
Beat or cheat or mistreat you,
Simplify you, classify you,
Deny, defy or crucify you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.

No, and I ain't lookin' to fight with you,
Frighten you or uptighten you,
Drag you down or drain you down,
Chain you down or bring you down.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.

I ain't lookin' to block you up
Shock or knock or lock you up,
Analyze you, categorize you,
Finalize you or advertise you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.

I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.

I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you.

I don't want to fake you out,
Take or shake or forsake you out,
I ain't lookin' for you to feel like me,
See like me or be like me.
All I really want to do
Is, baby, be friends with you

Morbid Thoughts

I've always had the feeling that mine was going to be a short life. People always look at me like I'm crazy when I reveal that...but I don't maintain this view for shock value. I don't necessarily WANT to die young, I guess that if I were...

Waking Life has this interesting dialouge where a man and a woman discuss her view of her life as though she is recalling memories as a old woman dying in her bed. I see my life as the opposite. I feel is that the way I view my life is that from a perspective of a child visualizing her dreams for the future, seeing her twenties, my current present, as events far into the future rather than undulating in the recesses of the past. Truthfully, from my vantage point, I feel old. I've loved and lost, what other noise is there in life? I suppose to repeat the cycle again. Perhaps, that's why I'm such an adrenaline junkie; I constantly crave new experiences to validate and enrich my existence.

I'll end this bit of enda downer post with some random thoughts:

-If I were to die in some unfortunate circumstances, I would never EVER want my family or friends to start a foundation or organization or even law that would attempt to prevent my death from happening to others. I would never want to have my name or life to be completely overshadowed by my gruesome or untimely end. It's like when musical artists die and because of their passing, they are heralded as visionaries.

-As technologically advanced and intellectually superior we feel to other animals, it's funny how when we go to sporting events, especially hockey games, all we really want to see is in all-out, no-holds barred brawl.

-After watching The Bachelor, it's no wonder guys find 99% of the female population crazy.

Ruminations

Inspired by Aaron Karo:

-Inevitably when going out to restaurants I find myself embroiled in a Catch-22. The waiter or waitress, judging by my young age assumes that I will a. neither rack up the bill significantly and resultingly b. not give them a good tip, so they choose to ignore or completely abandon all serviceable duties towards my table. Now I find myself in a predicament- do I unjustly reward bad service by giving him or her a good tip or do I reinforce her negative assessment of my demographic by tipping him or her what he/she deserves? Eh...I always tip 20% and end up hating myself afterwards but hopefully I've made a little difference in the world for 20-something diners.

-I've realized when it comes to dating, not caring is the new black. I've found myself converted when a guy friend recently confessed his undying love and devotion and instead of reciprocation on my behalf, I kindly told him that I was going to bed.

-Ever have that friend that you always mean to catch up with, but circumstances always prevent the actual conversation from happening, so that the more time that goes on the interminably longer the conversation is going to be so you just keep putting it off cause who has time for a three hour phone conversation? I do.

-I wonder if all the women Anthony Hopkins dates are secretly afraid that he's going to kill them and eat their livers with fava beans and nice Chianti.

-Wikipedia is like Target. You go in there thinking, oh I just need to figure out what the Fermi Paradox is and then thirty minutes later you're learning about the personhood of the Ape. You always end up with more than you bargained for.

-Delivery is almost always better than DiGorno.

-I am always mystified as to why car commercials ever show the test drive with the dummies. Is this supposed to comfort the public? Oh when you are in a head-on collison, your head will probably pop off and some limbs will be bending in the wrong direction, but don't worry about your car!

Aaaaannnd there you go.

inside it feels all the same

Undoubtedly, being home unearths a great deal of nostalgia and long forgotten memories. They say, "they" being some rumor or psychological study that I heard about long ago, that every seven years, a person undergoes a change, either of personality traits or some kind of extreme emotional change that makes some kind of pronounced difference, an evolution of self so to speak.

It's strange, when I look at pictures of my teenaged self, I feel so removed from the person in the photographs, like I'm looking at a stranger.
I see myself, the familiar features, but is there an inner core of me that resonates with the person I see in the pictures or was it just some sort of passing personage? Is there an everlasting personality, whoever "Laura" is, or am I merely a collection or reactions and reponses to various catalysts and adaptation to my surroundings?

I certainly feel different around my friends from my teenaged years. I can't put my finger on it...but something's...changed. Perhaps its the separation of paths that we've all embarked on, the natural course of life, but I can't seem to get back to that place of comfort and shared years of experiences that has previously bonded us.

Or maybe I'm back to where I've been all along, feeling like very few can understand my wavelength or relate to me on a deeper level. I miss Jon.

What do you expect?
As for other affairs, like I've said before, I've been flying by the seat of my pants, leaping before I look, and generally letting my impulsiveness take the wheel . I know you don't approve and I know I shouldn't do this and shouldn't do that, I need to slow down, control myself, etc....but I've lived my young breathless life too long under the thumb of an authoritative male. I just want to be free. However, your caring and recognition of my value intruiges me, and lord knows I prize vulnerability in others but rarely reveal it of myself.

What do you want from me?
You sly dog. I don't understand what it is you're after or maybe I know exactly what is is and I pretend to remain in denial for my own amusement. The truth is I like you. The truth is I wish I didn't. I think sometimes that I can see through you but maybe this is the front you put on with all the girls. Either way, chase me down or let me go. I won't dangle forever.

I leave now with this:

Everything is more complicated than
you think. You only see a tenth of
what is true. There are a million
little strings attached to every
choice you make; you can destroy
your life every time you choose.
But maybe you won't know for twenty
years. And you'll never ever trace
it to its source. And you only get
one chance to play it out. Just try
and figure out your own divorce.
And they say there is no fate, but
there is: it's what you create.
Even though the world goes on for
eons and eons, you are here for a
fraction of a fraction of a second.
Most of your time is spent being
dead or not yet born. But while
alive, you wait in vain, wasting
years, for a phone call or a letter
or a look from someone or something
to make it all right. And it never
comes or it seems to but doesn't
really. And so you spend your time
in vague regret or vaguer hope for
something good to come along.
Something to make you feel
connected, to make you feel whole,
to make you feel loved.

I can't wait to see what happens next.

...

The more and more I learn and grow and unfold, the more and more I realize the futility of human existence and the frailty of our confidence in our own self-importance. Strong words and a strong statement I'm sure but if you look at our actions, our impulses for creativity and our clinging to faith and spiritual belief, our society, every individual, we are just trying to matter.

I realize the older I get the more...cynical and stoic I become regarding both my relations to society and the world around me. I attach myself to a disaffected disposition because it's easier than being outraged and feeling powerless. The news I read, the cataclysmic events and traumatic dramas I hear about still affect me to an extent but faced with the fruitlessness of any long term effect I can accomplish...it's easier in my opinion to take the easier road.

Goodness. I'm a 60 year old trapped in the body of a 22 year old.

You might think that by reading the paragraphs above that I am a miserable human being when in fact, I'm more in love with life than ever. All the new experiences, the new people, the new ideas and books and events are constantly thrilling. I feel completely unencumbered. Completely free.

It's as if I have been trapped in Plato's cave-blind, deaf, and dumb up until lately.
I want to know everything there is to know about everything. I want to meet strangers and hear their life story. I want to taste the best food there is to eat. I want to take myself to the edge of the line and cross it. I want to feel real. I want to feel alive with every waking moment. I am currently in a state of complete surrender to my senses. I would also love to find someone who can understand this.

But so far, right now I only wish to understand myself.