In my overinflated sense of self-awareness, I do realize that this blog has dissipating into the ongoing saga of my love life. What can I say? Love makes the world go round I guess.

As saccharine as I thought Eat, Pray, Love was, there was this little anecdote squeezed in between the moments of self-realization and stories about unusually kind foreign strangers that I really liked. One of the author’s friends, a psychologist, worked with some population, I forget exact details, who had undergone a brutal genocide or had been incarcerated in a concentration camp, basically had undergone brutal and inhumane treatment by another domineering people. The psychologist was incredibly intimidated prior to the sessions. How could she, a privileged white woman, possibly relate, empathize, or understand the magnitude of what these people endured? Turns out, most of them in their sessions rather than recounting their harrowing experiences, they instead relayed the love dynamics and web of the camp. I really liked this guy but I though he liked this other girl in the other camp…etc. A coping mechanism or a revealing slice of the human psyche? I have yet to determine.

He broke up with her. He tells me he still is in love with me. Misses me, thinks about me all the time. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

Meanwhile, the other is a charming, kind, open-the-car-door, pay-for-dinner, respectful kind of guy. He wants to explore with me-go to art museums, try new cuisine, take me to documentaries.

I don’t think I want either right now. I don’t want to go back but I also am not ready to go forward.

I just want to stay standing still, shift in neutral, focusing instead on who I want to be rather than who I want to be with.

I just began an internship that is EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I actually get to brainstorm show concepts, research, scout locations…the process and the industry and the people…I just…UGH I wish I didn’t have to be in Los Angeles. But things are happening….finally.