gluttony

In other random news, I tried to type in the address for my blog and lo and behold I get re-routed to a Bible Study website like some practical joke. The agnostic in me say this might be some sign- that my frequent imbibing, carousing, and living in sin with my boyfriend has caught the big guy's attention. That "He (JC) may be reaching out to me right now". The atheist in me tells the agnostic to shut the fuck up.



Anyways back to the point of this entry. At about the point of our second mimosa, Ken made a decent point as my Southwestern scramble and his crab cake Egg Benedict arrived. I am consciously preoccupied with food-why not start a food blog? I had to admit, the thought has crossed my mind before and after all, it would be a nice hobby of sorts to make me feel fulfilled beyond the soul suck that is work (which I love like a BDSM addict). Yet I always steered away because I don't think my tastes are broad enough (I tend to stick with creamy, salty food or carbohydrates of any kind really) and also although I am a voyeur and frequent visitor of food blogs, I kind of think the people who create them are sad desperate housewives who substitute fleeting culinary pleasures in lieu of frequent sex with their husbands.

However, I'm ruminating on making frequent but not constant entries in related to food/cooking/restaurants for the budget conscious. Who knows- this might fall by the wayside like so many of my projects. List of the following projects who have passed on:

-Photography portrait project of attendees at racetracks (using Polaroid camera)
-Starting singing/songwriting (the most action my voice sees is the good ole car sesh)
-Taking UCLA extension course in something nonrelated to my work-but something I never could in college
-Writing a script

These might/might not be resurrected at some point soon only to die once again. I'm painting every weekend which feels nice and fulfilling but my drive to create something...ANYTHING is getting stronger.

thanatos

Suffering is pleasurable. Rollercoasters, scary movies, extreme sports-the appeal is all the same.
These visceral experiences of a Russian roulette variety allow us to flirt albeit briefly with our demise. Some go further.
They destroy their mind and body with toxic substances, starve themselves to fit an illusion, some careen into the abyss rather than face society's responsibilities and expectations. It all points to the same thing: a subconscious longing to return to an inanimate state.

Although you would think that people would seek to avoid these experiences and instead pursue the path of most pleasure, we still continually find ourselves consciously putting ourselves at risk. Willing self-destruction is the death instinct- Freud posited it as the opposing force to the pleasure principle. Initially when I discovered the theory, I scoffed at its implications. Why on earth would I want to be dead? What happened to the survival instinct? Maybe this toying with the ending of existence allows one to feel "more alive" after surviving the risk. Living is hard after all- trying to satisfy your desires while working to maintain a means for economic survival, find someone to love, procreate, the never-ending exhausting circle of life.

Maybe that's why I like to drive fast and recklessly. Maybe that's why I like to drink and go out constantly on the weekends. Maybe that's why I "go there"- prudence has never been my thing. I can be reckless and misguided but maybe deep down I just want to get in my two cents.