Ugh I have been way too busy to blog. Working most everyday either at David's or Red Varden Studios. Most nights I come home, space out in front of a movie on On Demand, before crashing and waking up the next day at 7:30 to start it all again. Surprisingly though, I feel totally exhilarated. I look forward to working at the Red Varden office because I'm actually getting to do what I want to do for THE REST OF MY LIFE. Perhaps this is a rash statement. It seems like the universe, fate, God, or Gods deems this correct in that a job in finance that I was up for, one that would have earned me a decent salary, one that my parents demanded that if I received a job offer I would take, one where I knew...
Holy SHIT. I'm watching Syriana and George Clooney just got one of his nails ripped off!
...Anyways this job would have made me a slave to the wage-going through the motions but having no joy in work. The morning of the decision, for the first time in my life, I prayed to fail. "I don't want this job, I'm not qualified," I repeated over and over aloud.
I didn't get an offer.
Then Michael Jackson died. And the world stopped.
Is it wrong to feel no sadness or sense of loss for another persons death? Sure, he wrote and produced an amazing song repertoire, but does an artist's magnificent body of work absolve them of all sins? I can't help thinking of the scores of little boy's lives he potentially has ruined, if the allegations are true. And come on, we all know they are. It disgusts me that he is put on such a pedestal, such an icon of our worshipful idolatry of those who can sing and dance well, that no public figure or even individual can call him out for what he truly was- a seriously disturbed pedophile.
Now don't be rash, I didn't wish him dead. Looking at pictures from his childhood to adulthood, watching the metamorphosis from a normal black teenager into a pale, pinched caricature of a cross between Snow White and Peter Pan-his psychological issues scream out as the pictures progress. Yet the crowds of yes men said nothing and continued to allow him to sit on his twisted throne in Neverland, the warped wonderland he built as a shrine to his issues and his inner child. The two times I went there, as my friends and fellow singers waxed poetic about the beauty and fun of the place, all I saw was a cry, nay a scream, for a psychiatrist.
So that's my take on that...
I'm bringing back the happy or positive moments of the day.
Happy Moment of 6/27: I cooked myself a delicious meal tonight. Huevos Rancheros. Cooking is not only meditative and absorbing, but it also makes me feel self-sufficient and capable. I may not have any idea what to do in my personal life, but I know what to do with eggs, beans, tortillas, cheese, and spices.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
In my overinflated sense of self-awareness, I do realize that this blog has dissipating into the ongoing saga of my love life. What can I say? Love makes the world go round I guess.
As saccharine as I thought Eat, Pray, Love was, there was this little anecdote squeezed in between the moments of self-realization and stories about unusually kind foreign strangers that I really liked. One of the author’s friends, a psychologist, worked with some population, I forget exact details, who had undergone a brutal genocide or had been incarcerated in a concentration camp, basically had undergone brutal and inhumane treatment by another domineering people. The psychologist was incredibly intimidated prior to the sessions. How could she, a privileged white woman, possibly relate, empathize, or understand the magnitude of what these people endured? Turns out, most of them in their sessions rather than recounting their harrowing experiences, they instead relayed the love dynamics and web of the camp. I really liked this guy but I though he liked this other girl in the other camp…etc. A coping mechanism or a revealing slice of the human psyche? I have yet to determine.
He broke up with her. He tells me he still is in love with me. Misses me, thinks about me all the time. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Meanwhile, the other is a charming, kind, open-the-car-door, pay-for-dinner, respectful kind of guy. He wants to explore with me-go to art museums, try new cuisine, take me to documentaries.
I don’t think I want either right now. I don’t want to go back but I also am not ready to go forward.
I just want to stay standing still, shift in neutral, focusing instead on who I want to be rather than who I want to be with.
I just began an internship that is EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I actually get to brainstorm show concepts, research, scout locations…the process and the industry and the people…I just…UGH I wish I didn’t have to be in Los Angeles. But things are happening….finally.
As saccharine as I thought Eat, Pray, Love was, there was this little anecdote squeezed in between the moments of self-realization and stories about unusually kind foreign strangers that I really liked. One of the author’s friends, a psychologist, worked with some population, I forget exact details, who had undergone a brutal genocide or had been incarcerated in a concentration camp, basically had undergone brutal and inhumane treatment by another domineering people. The psychologist was incredibly intimidated prior to the sessions. How could she, a privileged white woman, possibly relate, empathize, or understand the magnitude of what these people endured? Turns out, most of them in their sessions rather than recounting their harrowing experiences, they instead relayed the love dynamics and web of the camp. I really liked this guy but I though he liked this other girl in the other camp…etc. A coping mechanism or a revealing slice of the human psyche? I have yet to determine.
He broke up with her. He tells me he still is in love with me. Misses me, thinks about me all the time. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
Meanwhile, the other is a charming, kind, open-the-car-door, pay-for-dinner, respectful kind of guy. He wants to explore with me-go to art museums, try new cuisine, take me to documentaries.
I don’t think I want either right now. I don’t want to go back but I also am not ready to go forward.
I just want to stay standing still, shift in neutral, focusing instead on who I want to be rather than who I want to be with.
I just began an internship that is EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I actually get to brainstorm show concepts, research, scout locations…the process and the industry and the people…I just…UGH I wish I didn’t have to be in Los Angeles. But things are happening….finally.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
My Dating Profile
I love chaos, destruction, and broken people.
I consider myself an emotional doctor- absorbing other people's problems like a sponge then remedying it with good advice and words of affection.
I am going to climb a mountain one of these days; then ski down it.
I am capable of deep, loyal, and intense love but also of breaking your heart.
I've been through hard times but I don't presume that my struggles can ever equate with others who've been dealt a difficult hand in life.
I believe that truth is a malleable, manipulative, unfixed bitch who I will forever chase and try to understand.
I am passionate about film and television-through these numerous stories provide escapism, entertainment, as well as transmit ideas, dogmas, and perspectives.
I will never believe in organized religion, never will convert to an organized religion, and will never let my kids (if I even have them) be raised with organized religion.
I would rather be called "smart" then "beautiful".
I love cooking, food, and watching people on TV cook food.
I don't want a committed, monogamous relationship for at least another year; unless I meet someone who provides compelling evidence to the contrary.
I would rather date someone charismatic and intelligent then a dreamboat.
Ultimately I think I want someone who challenges me, who teaches me, who can be goofy and silly as well as serious and intense, who has goals and ambitions, who will travel and be spontaneous, who has the desire to know, to understand...
Are you interested?
I consider myself an emotional doctor- absorbing other people's problems like a sponge then remedying it with good advice and words of affection.
I am going to climb a mountain one of these days; then ski down it.
I am capable of deep, loyal, and intense love but also of breaking your heart.
I've been through hard times but I don't presume that my struggles can ever equate with others who've been dealt a difficult hand in life.
I believe that truth is a malleable, manipulative, unfixed bitch who I will forever chase and try to understand.
I am passionate about film and television-through these numerous stories provide escapism, entertainment, as well as transmit ideas, dogmas, and perspectives.
I will never believe in organized religion, never will convert to an organized religion, and will never let my kids (if I even have them) be raised with organized religion.
I would rather be called "smart" then "beautiful".
I love cooking, food, and watching people on TV cook food.
I don't want a committed, monogamous relationship for at least another year; unless I meet someone who provides compelling evidence to the contrary.
I would rather date someone charismatic and intelligent then a dreamboat.
Ultimately I think I want someone who challenges me, who teaches me, who can be goofy and silly as well as serious and intense, who has goals and ambitions, who will travel and be spontaneous, who has the desire to know, to understand...
Are you interested?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Doing it well
Let's suppose I am an alien visitor to the body of land known as the United States. Among the many peculiarities of the human race, I distinctly notice the preoccupations with mating rituals and the reproductive act itself. While males seemed to possess a singular focus on obtaining innumerable attractive partners, the female discernment of appropriate partners seems particularly murky. The media of American culture seems to operate in a distorted circular pattern; the media influences culture and human action while simultaneously acting as a reflection of those same human actions etc.
In terms of attracting a male it seems that history has presented women with one of two gender roles or options; the pure, chaste Madonnna or the devious, promiscuous whore. However, in recent decades, film and television has been intent on blurring the lines between these two polar roles, therefore complicating the appropriate line between normal sexual behavior and deviancy and signifying certain messages about sex.
Sex and the City-the textbook epitome of female sexual liberation. These women sleep around, shop excessively, and hold successful jobs. Frequent sex outside of a monogamous relationship=power.
Any number of horror films- most horror films, especially the growing torture porn subgenre, seem to be an exercise in misogynistic evisceration, both physical and metaphorical, of women's sexual power. Standard progression of scenes: girl loses her virginity to her piggish jock boyfriend, next she loses her life to chainsaw/knife/machine-wielding madman. Sex=death
Or take a film I recently watched
The Girlfriend Experience-Chelsea is an escort who provides for an exorbitant fee, GFE or a "girlfriend experience". She will kiss them, cuddle them, listen to them bemoan the shrinking economy (film is set prior to the November 2008 election) all while she cooly sits there, raking up their hard-earned dollars. Yet they continue to call her back for her services. Sex= business transaction.
I'm not an alien. I'm a 22 year old woman. What's a girl to do? Notice how I didn't cite examples that sex=pleasure. That's an obvious statement. But what sex can lead to, =herpes, =attachment, =pain, almost makes it seem not worth the risk outside of a relationship. And it's been scientifically suggested that a chemical, oxytocin, is released in the brain of females during sex which fosters feelings of attachment. So how does one negotiate casual sex in this whirlpool of conflicting emotions and expectations?
I suppose overanalyzing it to death in a blog is not quite the way to go. But I can't deny that I long for the human touch, kissing and bonuses, and the warmth of another body close by. Yet despite these yearnings, I have to admit to myself...
I'm just not that kind of girl.
In terms of attracting a male it seems that history has presented women with one of two gender roles or options; the pure, chaste Madonnna or the devious, promiscuous whore. However, in recent decades, film and television has been intent on blurring the lines between these two polar roles, therefore complicating the appropriate line between normal sexual behavior and deviancy and signifying certain messages about sex.
Sex and the City-the textbook epitome of female sexual liberation. These women sleep around, shop excessively, and hold successful jobs. Frequent sex outside of a monogamous relationship=power.
Any number of horror films- most horror films, especially the growing torture porn subgenre, seem to be an exercise in misogynistic evisceration, both physical and metaphorical, of women's sexual power. Standard progression of scenes: girl loses her virginity to her piggish jock boyfriend, next she loses her life to chainsaw/knife/machine-wielding madman. Sex=death
Or take a film I recently watched
The Girlfriend Experience-Chelsea is an escort who provides for an exorbitant fee, GFE or a "girlfriend experience". She will kiss them, cuddle them, listen to them bemoan the shrinking economy (film is set prior to the November 2008 election) all while she cooly sits there, raking up their hard-earned dollars. Yet they continue to call her back for her services. Sex= business transaction.
I'm not an alien. I'm a 22 year old woman. What's a girl to do? Notice how I didn't cite examples that sex=pleasure. That's an obvious statement. But what sex can lead to, =herpes, =attachment, =pain, almost makes it seem not worth the risk outside of a relationship. And it's been scientifically suggested that a chemical, oxytocin, is released in the brain of females during sex which fosters feelings of attachment. So how does one negotiate casual sex in this whirlpool of conflicting emotions and expectations?
I suppose overanalyzing it to death in a blog is not quite the way to go. But I can't deny that I long for the human touch, kissing and bonuses, and the warmth of another body close by. Yet despite these yearnings, I have to admit to myself...
I'm just not that kind of girl.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Look at my awesome taste in music!
Let's make one thing clear. I would NEVER want to be a celebrity. But besides the obvious benefits of free clothing, complementary restaurant meals, and public adoration, the perk I would most enjoy is the Itunes celebrity playlist.
I really think that Itunes should develop some feature on their site where you can share your personal playlist either through Itunes or through some social networking site. I'm sure an extension of this idea is already out there in cyberspace but considering that people are willing to broadcast their every move through Facebook status' and twitters or tweets or twats or whatever the hell you call it, I'm sure this idea would catch on.
Anyways here's my playlist complete with personal comments, should I ever become famous enough that Apple would desire me to share my taste with others.
Keep in mind I tailored this list from 36 to 2 so some notable omissions had to be made.
1. Yasmin the Light- Explosions In The Sky- I don't believe that the Shins can change your life, but Explosions In The Sky can. Sometimes you don't need words to express the emotion or meaning of a song.
2. Hardcore Days & Softcore Nights-Aqueduct- Good driving song. That's about it. Sometimes that's all you need from a song.
3. Lay Lady Lay- Bob Dylan-Anyone who can make cowbells sound sexy belongs on my playlist. There are much more meaningful, symbolic, mobilizing songs by Dylan but I'm a sucker for the regurgitation of the same old themes of love and sex done in a simple but seductive way.
4. Am I Wrong- Brand New- Jesse Lacey is one of the best lyricists of our generation though he remains in the shadow of emo pioneers such as Bright Eyes. He didn't actually write this song because it's a cover of Love Spit Love, but he would have.
5. One for the Road- Cee-Lo-Sample lyrics:
I have millenniums of material and rivers of rhythm
An entire ocean of emotion that's enlightening to swim in
Also a forest of feeling, beaten paths of peace
Trapped inside my silhouette I have to speak to release
Demanding more from the pen than I horde from the pen
The line between playing to win and sin is thin
But I walk it with grace and I talk it with taste
I am that raw, simply put, and I rest my case
6. Bassment Party-The Cool Kids- Cause this song makes me dance like a hoooooo
7. Happiness is a Warm Gun- The Beatles- To have a playlist without the Beatles is a travesty to the history and influence of music.
8. Queen Bitch- David Bowie- Have to have Bowie on there. He always makes me want to groove and get down.
9. A Movie Script Ending- Death Cab for Cutie- I grew up through the most transitional periods of my life listening to Death Cab. I don't care if they are considered "emo" or "depressing". Their lyrics and melodies defined and described the emotional rollercoaster of my teenage years.
10. This Town- Frank Sinatra- Frank is the original bad ass. If I ever were to pursue music seriously, I would hope that I could somehow possess the transcendence of Frank.
11. Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight- Jenna Mammina- I sing this in my car constantly. Jenna turned a weepy James Taylor penned tune into a bluesy, jazzy, sassy cover. If I ever recorded again, this would be one of them.
12. Night Drive- Jimmy Eat World- Both JEW and Death Cab captured adolescence for me. Although I primarily listen to JEW's first albums, this particular selection reminds me of the constant spontaneous drives my friends and I would take to Grizzly Peak, San Francisco, just driving anywhere to be constantly in motion.
13. U.R.A. Fever- The Kills- Moody, dark, and sexy.
14. Dazed and Confused- Led Zeppelin- It is my firm belief that most people have a brief, intense affair with Led Zeppelin where they discover the band, listen to nothing but their music for a week, convinced that they are the best band to ever come into existence. I wrestled and struggled between a number of songs but I have such a soft spot for this one.
15. Walk on the Wildside- Lou Reed- His voice is like melted butter.
16. I'm Feeling Good- Nina Simone- Jazz and blues is the most fun to sing. Screw Mariah Carey-esque melismas and vibrato. All you need is feeling and presence.
17. The Nurse Who Loved Me- A Perfect Circle- I read somewhere that if a person can draw "a perfect circle" that means they are legally insane. Well this song is about an institutionalized person in love with the nurse who provides the medication that numbs him so I guess it's an appropriate band moniker. I just think it's trippy and amazing.
18. Can't You Hear Me Knocking- The Rolling Stones- I found it before the Blow soundtrack.
19. Echoes- Digitalism- I feel like my generation, probably due to the prevalence of the ecstasy and rave culture, is turning more and more to electronically produced music. I plead guilty to this as well.
20. Bittersweet Symphony- Vitamin String Quartet- One of my favorite songs reduced and redone simply but beautifully.
21. Say It Ain't So- Weezer- What can you say about Weezer that hasn't already been said? This song makes me want to speed in the 405.
I really think that Itunes should develop some feature on their site where you can share your personal playlist either through Itunes or through some social networking site. I'm sure an extension of this idea is already out there in cyberspace but considering that people are willing to broadcast their every move through Facebook status' and twitters or tweets or twats or whatever the hell you call it, I'm sure this idea would catch on.
Anyways here's my playlist complete with personal comments, should I ever become famous enough that Apple would desire me to share my taste with others.
Keep in mind I tailored this list from 36 to 2 so some notable omissions had to be made.
1. Yasmin the Light- Explosions In The Sky- I don't believe that the Shins can change your life, but Explosions In The Sky can. Sometimes you don't need words to express the emotion or meaning of a song.
2. Hardcore Days & Softcore Nights-Aqueduct- Good driving song. That's about it. Sometimes that's all you need from a song.
3. Lay Lady Lay- Bob Dylan-Anyone who can make cowbells sound sexy belongs on my playlist. There are much more meaningful, symbolic, mobilizing songs by Dylan but I'm a sucker for the regurgitation of the same old themes of love and sex done in a simple but seductive way.
4. Am I Wrong- Brand New- Jesse Lacey is one of the best lyricists of our generation though he remains in the shadow of emo pioneers such as Bright Eyes. He didn't actually write this song because it's a cover of Love Spit Love, but he would have.
5. One for the Road- Cee-Lo-Sample lyrics:
I have millenniums of material and rivers of rhythm
An entire ocean of emotion that's enlightening to swim in
Also a forest of feeling, beaten paths of peace
Trapped inside my silhouette I have to speak to release
Demanding more from the pen than I horde from the pen
The line between playing to win and sin is thin
But I walk it with grace and I talk it with taste
I am that raw, simply put, and I rest my case
6. Bassment Party-The Cool Kids- Cause this song makes me dance like a hoooooo
7. Happiness is a Warm Gun- The Beatles- To have a playlist without the Beatles is a travesty to the history and influence of music.
8. Queen Bitch- David Bowie- Have to have Bowie on there. He always makes me want to groove and get down.
9. A Movie Script Ending- Death Cab for Cutie- I grew up through the most transitional periods of my life listening to Death Cab. I don't care if they are considered "emo" or "depressing". Their lyrics and melodies defined and described the emotional rollercoaster of my teenage years.
10. This Town- Frank Sinatra- Frank is the original bad ass. If I ever were to pursue music seriously, I would hope that I could somehow possess the transcendence of Frank.
11. Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight- Jenna Mammina- I sing this in my car constantly. Jenna turned a weepy James Taylor penned tune into a bluesy, jazzy, sassy cover. If I ever recorded again, this would be one of them.
12. Night Drive- Jimmy Eat World- Both JEW and Death Cab captured adolescence for me. Although I primarily listen to JEW's first albums, this particular selection reminds me of the constant spontaneous drives my friends and I would take to Grizzly Peak, San Francisco, just driving anywhere to be constantly in motion.
13. U.R.A. Fever- The Kills- Moody, dark, and sexy.
14. Dazed and Confused- Led Zeppelin- It is my firm belief that most people have a brief, intense affair with Led Zeppelin where they discover the band, listen to nothing but their music for a week, convinced that they are the best band to ever come into existence. I wrestled and struggled between a number of songs but I have such a soft spot for this one.
15. Walk on the Wildside- Lou Reed- His voice is like melted butter.
16. I'm Feeling Good- Nina Simone- Jazz and blues is the most fun to sing. Screw Mariah Carey-esque melismas and vibrato. All you need is feeling and presence.
17. The Nurse Who Loved Me- A Perfect Circle- I read somewhere that if a person can draw "a perfect circle" that means they are legally insane. Well this song is about an institutionalized person in love with the nurse who provides the medication that numbs him so I guess it's an appropriate band moniker. I just think it's trippy and amazing.
18. Can't You Hear Me Knocking- The Rolling Stones- I found it before the Blow soundtrack.
19. Echoes- Digitalism- I feel like my generation, probably due to the prevalence of the ecstasy and rave culture, is turning more and more to electronically produced music. I plead guilty to this as well.
20. Bittersweet Symphony- Vitamin String Quartet- One of my favorite songs reduced and redone simply but beautifully.
21. Say It Ain't So- Weezer- What can you say about Weezer that hasn't already been said? This song makes me want to speed in the 405.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Vulnerability has always been my forte.
The tumbling, grappling hunt for emotional connection was always a thrill
The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
I loved those moments
When all the bluff, bravado, smoke and mirrors fell away like chipped paint
and I could just see
The deeply buried truth of who you are
And then it just hit me at Grizzly Peak today
As I sat perched on a log looking
benevolently down at the massive urban sprawl masked by fog
Like a Greek god gazing down from the clouds
I need distance
Like a Monet or a pointillism painting
Some things are infinitely more beautiful from far away
I used to thrive on intimacy
Closeness was my comfort food
But I need to space myself
Separate
At least for now
It's probably a lie but
it goes down much sweeter now than pain
The tumbling, grappling hunt for emotional connection was always a thrill
The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
I loved those moments
When all the bluff, bravado, smoke and mirrors fell away like chipped paint
and I could just see
The deeply buried truth of who you are
And then it just hit me at Grizzly Peak today
As I sat perched on a log looking
benevolently down at the massive urban sprawl masked by fog
Like a Greek god gazing down from the clouds
I need distance
Like a Monet or a pointillism painting
Some things are infinitely more beautiful from far away
I used to thrive on intimacy
Closeness was my comfort food
But I need to space myself
Separate
At least for now
It's probably a lie but
it goes down much sweeter now than pain
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