thanatos

Suffering is pleasurable. Rollercoasters, scary movies, extreme sports-the appeal is all the same.
These visceral experiences of a Russian roulette variety allow us to flirt albeit briefly with our demise. Some go further.
They destroy their mind and body with toxic substances, starve themselves to fit an illusion, some careen into the abyss rather than face society's responsibilities and expectations. It all points to the same thing: a subconscious longing to return to an inanimate state.

Although you would think that people would seek to avoid these experiences and instead pursue the path of most pleasure, we still continually find ourselves consciously putting ourselves at risk. Willing self-destruction is the death instinct- Freud posited it as the opposing force to the pleasure principle. Initially when I discovered the theory, I scoffed at its implications. Why on earth would I want to be dead? What happened to the survival instinct? Maybe this toying with the ending of existence allows one to feel "more alive" after surviving the risk. Living is hard after all- trying to satisfy your desires while working to maintain a means for economic survival, find someone to love, procreate, the never-ending exhausting circle of life.

Maybe that's why I like to drive fast and recklessly. Maybe that's why I like to drink and go out constantly on the weekends. Maybe that's why I "go there"- prudence has never been my thing. I can be reckless and misguided but maybe deep down I just want to get in my two cents.