the death of everything that's wild

It's funny. I used to be a pack rat back in the day- saved all the notes passed around class from high school, programs from shows I performed in, schedules from voice camp etc. I just stumbled upon the evaluations of my tennis game back in 2004 when I went to tennis camp at Stanford (I was so close to you yet so far right?).

They all say the same thing:
"Laura was patient and focused on the court."
"Focused and determined while in control of her game."
"Focus and concentration good. You are not rushed and are involved mentally in the match."

Yet the criticisms are all the same:
"You need to work on your preparation/footwork-back up to be more effective."
"Work on your preparation and holding your finish-you come too early." (that's what she said?)
etc. etc.

As trivial as these observations might be, after all they were criticisms of my tennis game back when I still played, of course being me that tries to see meaning in everything- I still think they are relevant. When I'm playing the game and into it, I am present. I am there. I am focused. Yet my fault is that I leap before I look, emotionally that is. When I get stuck on a notion, I'm like a pitbull on a stranger, I rarely let go unless given a compelling reason. I need to control my impulses, as easy of an assumption it may be able to jump to. I need to return to that overly empathetic 16 year old I used to be-where every devil had an advocate, where there was reasoning for people's actions. After all, making enemies has never been my strong strength.

My aunt's boyfriend has beaten her...repeatedly. This is a sadly long known in my family circle. Yet at Christmas Eve dinner, I am expected to break bread with the man and feign ignorance to events that had transpired without my presence but nonetheless were the truth. Shall I act kind to maintain status quo/not disturb the peace? Or do I speak up for risk of destroying the rare opportunity for the gathering of family? I am ashamed to say reader that I remained silent and avoidant if not cold. I focused on preparing myself for the encounter and although my knee-jerk reaction was to lambast the man, I realized that it wouldn't solve anything. If my aunt's choice is to stay with someone who destroys her physically as well as emotionally, no impassioned speech or extreme action upon my part is going to alter her choices. Any action would only serve to vindicate my conscience rather than help her.

I'm focused. I'm ready.