you can use my skin to bury secrets in

I never get sick of that moment. When you feel it hit you, when everything bleeds away into the surrounding noise and you are just there. The slight burn in your throat, the blurring of your senses, and the dangerous knowledge that whatever trangression you were about to committ could have the slightest of excuses. Yes I am still living the collegiate dream despite college ending almost a year ago.

For so long when I was in college, partying was something I tried to hide from you, a mistress that no matter how hard I tried left her scent on my clothes and my eyes glazed and somewhere far away. Lord knows I wanted the freedom to stay out late, have long lingering conversations over jungle juice, enjoy the brief glorious victory of a drinking game won, but your persistent insistence and my obligation to our relationship cut those nights short as I stumbled home meekly to your bed. Love was the tradeoff for those lost nights but I never quite let you get the best of me. You wanted to control me and I refused, you wanted something stationary and solid when I am flighty and difficult to trap.
But no matter, that chapter of my life has closed now.

The more I learn the more I realize how little I know. Is that what scares people from reading/school/expanding their horizons? Certainly the limits of knowledge are frightening and seemingly unsurmountable. Sometimes I think we consume ourselves so fully with the petty trivalities of our lives, particularly sex and love, that when it comes to other matters, we relent for the easiest way, the less mentally taxing. Not for me thank you.
I love a challenge.


Contradicting myself now, I've been thinking about something you said the other day.
"You just want to be loved", you said it as if it was a bad thing. No I am not some affection-starved animal hungering for validation of my existence. You phrased it wrong. You should have said, I just want to love. As much as people can frustrate and exasperate, I always search for the good, the lovable in people. I can't let apathy creep into my entire worldview, although it's fun sometimes to try on for size.

That's enough for tonight. It's windy and blustery outside. Time for wine, a book, then bed.