I own myself

Being alone has its small pleasures.

Finishing books, stories, songs I've began but never had time to complete.
Reconnecting with old friends, establishing and gaining new ones.
Going to the grocery store and cooking myself a delicious dinner of steak, potatoes, and white wine, just for me.
Having afternoons free to go on hikes, bike rides, visit art museums, just EXPLORE, or just be a couch potato and play around on the internet.


I missed this part of myself. All these years since high school there's always been a ME and a HIM. I don't think I've ever been that girl who sacrifices her passions, friends, or semblance of a social life for the boy in her life, but I cannot negate that there have been sacrifices I have made. Now that there are no obstacles or personal commitments obligating me anywhere, I am free to finally go about accomplishing the grand ideas and dreams that have been floating around in my mind since I was little. All it takes is figuring out which dreams I want to pursue.

I know that I want to sing again. Needless to say, my last performance which was at Jon's funeral sapped me of both energy and passion. I don't know how to go about this anymore. I don't even know if I'm that talented compared to the multitudes of aspiring singers who are fumbling all over Los Angeles to achieve that same dream. I don't even know how badly I want it. All I know is that performing in some smoky jazz club once in awhile is my idea of nirvana.

I know my inner fat kid is taking over judging by my obsession with food and cooking. I always said that my dream job would be to travel the world and sample other culture's delicacies although after watching Bizarre Eats with that chubby bald guy, I'm not so sure I have the stomach for it. All I can say is that my preoccupation with this earthly pleasure of eating takes some of the focus off my constant thinking/analyzing of the world and interactions around me. Sometimes the bliss of biting into a great sandwich, the living in the moment of taste and texture, can surpass all.

I know I want to help others, while supporting myself comfortably. My desire for this is not motivated by some lofty need for altruism, but rather as a true enjoyment of making other people's day better. How do I reconcile these two aspirations? Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward through this awkward transitional phases and just get to where I am supposed to be. But struggle builds character I guess.

In any case, its a relief that I don't "belong" to someone else, or I am "theirs". I don't want to be a possession, a property or prize to be won. I want to be my own, myself.